When you get to heaven, you're gonna feel really bad about all I did for you...

Tell me you've never thought it. Come on... maybe not those exact words but you've thought it. That person you are just so holier than... who you just deserve so many kudos for being nice to, despite the fact that you would be completely justified in ripping into.

That relative you want to strangle at Thanksgiving, but instead you pass them more rolls in hopes they will shut up and eat.

That co-worker you wonder, could we actually replace you with my chihuahua?

That dude at tee-ball who thinks he's freakin awesome because his kid hit the ball out of the infield (and who's kid also happens to be 9 years old).

But you smile and give and put on a really nice aire. Then you get home and lay your head on your pillow and think... insert quote.

Well, I can tell you I've thought it. And if right now you're looking down  on me or judging me, I have 16.3 words for you too... insert quote again.

I hope nobody eats you.

Oops. It was late and I had already sent him to bed twice.  And I had a headache when my 4 year old asked, "Are there going to be any animals in my room tonight?"

"What do you think?" I replied.

He looks thoughtful. Then, half smiling because he knows he's about to give the wrong answer, he says, "Yes."

To which exhausted Daddy says... insert line above.

New post pending

Hello adoring fan (singular).  You know who you are.  I'm out but not gone.  Work got busy on me so my creative juices have actually been used productively.  Once that calms down, I will be back for more jocularity.

"The shower is NOT a good place to attempt the splits."

So this one is true and I did actually say it last night.

For me to "attempt the splits" in the shower while standing cross-ways is probably NOT very dangerous. My feet can only go about shoulder width apart before I hit the sides of the tub - which is close to the limit of my flexibility anyway.

However, for a 4-year-old who is (A) just over half my height, (B) in his birthday suit, (C) standing lengthwise, (D) in a slippery tub and (E) has two very curious little sisters who may barge in at any time, I can think of about 83 unpleasant and plausable outcomes to this endeavour.

Therefore, I found myself in need of telling him, "<insert quote above>". As a father I pray that I will always have the wisdom to recognize the teachable moments.

"Check that diaper, we need grocery money."

CPS warning - this is NOT a true story.

I'm (so far) the daddy to 3 beautiful children - 4 years, 2 years, and 9 months.  Upon reflection, it's amazing how we evolve as parents through our different child experiences.  For instance, what happens if your baby finds something on the floor, predictably shoves it in his/her mouth, and by the time you get your finger in the tiny mouth to pry it out, that something is no longer there...

Child #1 - Swallows a dime... Call pediatrician, who doesn't answer the phone on the first ring. Panic. Debate calling 911, Poison Control, Roto-rooter. Pray. Child still breathing. Pediatrician calls back as you load the car for trip to ER and says, "Don't worry, it will come out in a day or so."

Child #2 - Swallows a nickel... Send child #1 to time-out for giving the nickel to baby brother/sister. Start a load of laundry. Child #2 still breathing. Call pediatrician, who gives you the same story as with child #1 - "This too shall pass..."

Child #3 - Swallows a quarter... you inform your wife that you have moved her purse from the floor to the counter. She says, "<insert quote above>".

"Hey, thanks for warming the seat up for me. Have a good one."

On a cold morning, I enter the men's room and see a tall man washing his hands and can still hear the sound of the water swirling in the stall and think to myself, "It would be really funny to say to this guy, '<insert quote from above>'."  Fortunately, I kept my mouth shut.  You never know if this stranger is going to laugh or take a swing.  Especially early in the morning.

So that's what my blog will be about.  The things I REALLY, REALLY want to say but have learned not to.  I'll keep the language clean, but the subject matter may occasionally make you blush.